The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.