When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that