If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.