I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
You Might Also Like
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Only Americans understand
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.