You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer