The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.