I unironically love this joke.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”