All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.