My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
A short story about romance.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.