Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The Onion called it…again.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520