I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I have many caverns
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead