3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you