her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I like crazy people until they notice me
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?