I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I beg your pardon?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees