[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby