I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You Might Also Like
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic