My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER