Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Isn’t
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I can also cook 😂
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020