hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
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I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Green is just blue that someone peed in
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument