I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Discuss
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*weighs self after shaving
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.