Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
goldfish mafia
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Said the murderer.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Admin smashed it 😂