If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
You Might Also Like
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
But that’s none of my business
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip