[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
i’m sure it’s fine
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
hmmm
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right