*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.