chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.