Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“What?”
– Jude
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.