Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.