guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
The fall of Netflix
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.