Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
time for some seasonal decor
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese