Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.