Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
More like Kate Missington.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*weighs self after shaving
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…