I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??