Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
mom gave me mine for free
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
me when I see my crush
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I am patiently waiting for your email
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Kermit goes Blue.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.