[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*