Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me