Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.