Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I鈥檓 very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
finally
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn鈥檛 get stuck on mewt
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
What鈥檚 the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don鈥檛 have a fish
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
馃ザ馃ザ馃惗馃惗
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won鈥檛 know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don鈥檛 know either.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, 鈥渢he Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.