I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?