if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
You Might Also Like
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides