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Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]