Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city