the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.