The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Need WebMD
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
*cough*
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.