[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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your honor my client chooses dare
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Genius idea!!