Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
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Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.