In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.