Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”