[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.