“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
You Might Also Like
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]