let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.